I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Your cock deserves a montage
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
