Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
