My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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