If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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