Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
