You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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