Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
