I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
