I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
