i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
