Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
