vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
