Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
