I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
