my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think I sprained my soul last night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
