My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
