My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
