Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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