Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
