I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
