I think im going to throw up on grandma
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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