Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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