My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
