Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
