Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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