I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize