Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
