I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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