my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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