Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
