Your dad touched me again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
