I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
