GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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