Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
