I'm going to jail i love you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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