The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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