I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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