All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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