My liver just broke up with me...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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