He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
