I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
