I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
