I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.