me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
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Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.