I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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