he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
