it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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