Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
