So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
