quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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