i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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