I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I puked a lego.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
