He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual