Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?