I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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