Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
