Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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