So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
