I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
