his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am spending my child support on dildos
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
