I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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