I think my vagina is haunted
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
